The Elephant in the Room

Anyone who's been a regular reader has clued into the fact that this year has not been easy for me.  It's just that you don't know why.  Hey, see that elephant over there?  Big, intruding, obvious?  I decided to tell you a little about him - I try to keep the blog relatively light, but I decided that introducing you to him may help someone reading this. 

The Big Elephant in the Room of my life has been a year of coping with a very difficult marriage.  A marriage that even I thought was perfect until just a few months ago.  I have gone from blissfully wed to on the verge of walking out, and back...and forth...and back...and forth! 

The easiest way to talk about what's going on with Trey and I is this - it's Life.  Work.  Kids.  Bills.  What's for dinner, did you pay this bill, Sean has a doctor appointment, it's your sister's birthday, where are we this weekend, etc.  With all that talk about Life, guess what we stopped doing?  Talking to each other.  About us.  About what we love, what's bothering us, what makes us happy, what makes us sad.  I can't tell you when it started, but definitely by sometime early this Spring, Trey and I were sleep walking through our marriage.  

Throw in a first trimester of pregnancy - with my medical complications, exhaustion, nausea.  Unbeknownst to me, it became too much for Trey.  He retreated.  He did some things that I am learning to forgive.  I've said some things that are hard to take back.  My heart was broken; he felt helpless and lost.  It got really, really bad.  There are about two months of life this year that I struggle to remember, photos I can't look at without crying, because there's so much pain behind those events that no one (sometimes even me) knew about.   

Trey and I are slowly climbing our way back out.  The hardest part has been convincing my husband that regular talking about the difficult stuff will actually make us stronger.  It not only satisfies my need for one-on-one time with my hubby, but helps him get things off his chest and cope with those things he can't control.  Of course, what man likes to talk about his feelings?  Um, I can't think of one!  But...I believe it's the key to our success, because I've figured out that what kind of day or week Trey and I are having is directly related to whether or not Trey's talking to me!

Why am I sharing this with all of you?  Because everyone you know seems to be happily married, and yet the divorce rate hovers around 43% in this country.  Like we do with our kids, our money, our lives - we put on this facade in this country that we are the Picture of Perfection, while we're secretly dying inside or behind closed doors.  It's considered a huge sin to admit that your life isn't perfect - which I think is the biggest disservice we can do to ourselves and our families.  

That doesn't mean I think we should all be on one huge Oprah show, baring our souls to anyone who will listen!  But pretending that life is perfect while you're secretly crumbling will not help you in the same way that reaching out to a caring voice will.  Especially with marriage issues, the best thing you can do is reach out to an unbiased third-party, someone who only has the marriage's best interest in mind.  When you reach out, you realize that you're not the only one dealing with these issues.  You can get ideas of things to try, empathy from others who have been there, a shoulder to cry on.  

I believe that honesty if the biggest act of love you can give yourself and those around you.  Shed the facades and get real - you've heard Dr. Phil say it, Suze Orman - I'm no revolutionary here, just passing on a worthwhile message!  Imagine if we all dropped the illusions and started living honestly - with our marriages, our money, our kids.  We'd all be so much happier, we'd feel closer to one another, and possibly even see some of those big issues start to disappear if we just acknowledged them in the first place.  And Yes - It Is Hard!  Anything worthwhile in life takes lots of hard work, even a wonderfully happy marriage!  

I would be remiss if I didn't mention one of the best books you can go out and read Right Now.  Everyone who is married, go get a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  It's an easy read.  Take the quiz, then ask your hubby to take it, too.  Put what you learn into practice (something that Trey and I are still working on!).  You will learn so much about yourself and your spouse - this book should be a must read for all engaged and married couples.  Go.  Now!

In the meantime, thank you to my confidants - you know who you are, and my life is better because you are in it - for the multiple hour counseling sessions, the same shit/different day talks, etc!  Thank you all for letting me acknowledge difficulties while not necessarily divulging all the ugly details.  And know that if you ever feel like there's something you are struggling with, I am more than happy to lend an ear.  Just listen, if that's what you need.  Give advice if that's what you're seeking.  

So there's my big elephant - My Marriage Is Not Perfect.  Maybe he'll feel free to leave the house for awhile...or forever!