An Old Sentiment Revisted

I know...I've been woefully absent.  This past summer has been a rough one for me, and most of you have no idea why.  It's very personal and not something I wish to share with everyone.  However, my life as I have known it has been turned upside down, and I've been reexamining every aspect of it.  Some days the only thing that gets me through is the realization that I will come out stronger on the other side.  So here I sit, middle of the night, with yet another bought of insomnia (yes, thank you Mom for passing that trait on!).  I found myself on my MySpace page, reading an old blog from last Fall.  I'd like to share it with all of you, because it's something that I needed to remember, and I hope that it speaks to you guys as well.  

While things have sucked recently, I did forget for a moment the sentiment that each day, no matter how shitty, is your day to live as best you can.  This past weekend, I met a new friend on my girls weekend who has been going through very similar life experiences this summer, and she asked me "How can you still be so happy?"  I answered "What are my choices?"  I didn't know then, but realize now, that I was reflecting a bit on this blog post I'm about to share with you.  Each day is to be cherished, and we must savor the good that we do have and be happy with what life is giving us even if it's not what we want.  

So without further ado....from Weds, October 10, 2007 - when I apparently thought I knew it all!

Life’s Too Short.....Why this is my personal motto....  Current mood:  grateful  Category: Life Life is too short for badly written books, cheap wine and boring food!     That is my motto, something I try to live by everyday.  Oh, I know, it's sweet, cheeky, and a little annoying in this very cynical world we live in.  I know what you're thinking...isn't that cute?    Well, there's a reason I've come to this point in my life, why I choose to look at each day as something to be cherished.    It started out small....it was no overnight change for me.  I was once the cynical person (OK, still can be in some ways!), with the quick one liners, and the "it's always something" attitude.  My 20s were about making money, buying things, having a great time and no worries about anything else.  I mean, I was going to live forever, right?   But the fact is, we're not going to live forever.  I mean, I had lost loved ones, but they had lived long full lives.  Old people died - my grandma, my friend's father, my great uncle.     So three years ago, 2004, three things happened in a very short time that began to change me.  Three people that were two degrees separated from me died.  They died young.   In September, the director of sales at my job lost her niece one weekend.  The driver, a guy friend, had been drinking, lost control of the car, and he walked away while Jody died.  She was 20.   In October, my sister in law's best friend from high school was on business in Wisconsin, just one month after her wedding.  She was complaining of intense headaches, and her mom encouraged her to go to the hospital.  While driving herself there, Missy suffered a stroke in her brain stem.  She died a few days later.  She was 25.   In December, my personal trainer's son was riding his bike along Hwy M in O'Fallon.  He was crossing the drive in front of Dairy Queen, and a truck turning in struck and killed him.  He was 16.    Any one of these was tragic, and I am grateful that I didn't know these people personally, or I'm not sure how I would have handled three straight loses.  But it struck me, it hit me over the head like a hammer.  Life is short.  Sometimes too short.    So did I go out and quit my job and get knocked up right away?  No, I continued to struggle in a job that became increasingly demanding of my personal time, coming home yelling at my husband because of something someone else did.  By September of '05, I was pregnant and began to realize that my job and motherhood may not be that compatible.  It's hard to raise a child when I'm in a meeting until 8pm at night.    Luckily, my employer made the decision for me, and in my 7th month of pregnancy, fired me without warning.  I can only say now that my boss later admitted that it was a mistake, but her firing me was the best thing that ever happened.    While I was able to focus on the imminent birth of my son, the feelings of worthlessness and despair were hard to overcome.  A year ago when I started joining playgroups, I always introduced myself as a former director of marketing, I wanted to make sure that people knew I was someone once.   But wasn't I someone anyway?  I've always been someone, only now I was someone's Mother as well!  The shift was gradual, I barely know when it happened, but sometime in this past year, I've embraced motherhood and embraced life!  I sit in my driveway with my son, staring at the blue sky, pointing out airplanes as they go by and marveling at how perfect my life is.   I still have to stop myself from missing the six figure income we used to enjoy.  I don't like budgeting and preplanning our purchases.  But this is my life.  And it's a damn good one.  I don't get another one, and every day is my day to live how I choose.  You know those mornings that you just want to go back to bed and start over and it's only 7:30?  Well, that's still your day to live, and while it may be tough, it's there and it's yours and it could be your last - so enjoy the crap out of it!   Do you catch yourself saying "Well, when this craziness is over, I'm going to...."?  You're going to what?  Well, I can tell you right now, you'll just be dealing with the Next thing life throws at you!  Stop waiting for things to settle down....stop waiting for this catastrophe to pass.....stop waiting for things to get better before you live the life that you want.  This is it.  Relish every word, every sip, every bite.     This post is dedicated to Jake, my sister's fiancé, an electrician apprentice who was electrocuted and burned at work just two weeks ago.  He's coming home today, recovering from skin graft surgery.  He'll be 21 next month.