Happy One Month

(Not sure if I'll keep this monthly update up, but we'll try...)

Dearest Ryan,

You graced the world with your presence just one month ago today.  And what a whirlwind it has already been.  First off, let me state for the record that what I've heard all my life is true - my heart has simply grown larger to accommodate all the love I feel for you.  You are simply an angel, and I love you more than anything, the same way I feel about your brother and sister.

I feel I have disappointed you in two ways, though I am without regret.  First of all, you were not born drug free like your brother.  Like Sean, you decided to enter this world bearing down on my spine, but unlike him, chose to take your sweet time!  I felt I was ready for the long haul thanks to my Hypnobirthing, but in the end, the spine-crushing pain was more than I could endure and I opted for the epidural at the 11th hour (not literally - it was actually six hours!).  And then you literally fell onto this earth.  Your Momma, numb from here to oblivion, had to inform everyone in the room of your arrival, as we all looked down to see you laying on the table - full of surprises from the very beginning, aren't you?  I did not enjoy my complete immobilization for hours, thanks to the overly-generous anesthesiologist, but you did not seem to mind as I held you in my arms for those first few hours.  

And I apologize that you and I couldn't get breastfeeding figured out.  Regardless of what the two lactation consultants said, you and I were obviously not seeing eye to eye.  Sean and I had the same troubles, but I plowed through thanks to my relentless need to be perfect.  And since I cried in pain through most of his first six weeks, I opted not to do that to you and me.  So from day five, you have been formula-fed.  It's a personal disappointment, but you are thriving regardless.   One month later, our scale says you're a good 8 pounds, and you're already outgrowing the tiniest outfits.  

But these disappointments will have little meaning in the long run.  You're as perfect as can be, laid back just like your big brother.  You're mellow and calm, crying only when hungry and during those horrible diaper changes!  You've been practicing your big grins, though I'm pretty sure you're not smiling at me just yet - but they are beautiful nonetheless.  And how you have filled out - my goodness, what a big, strong boy you are!  You're already working so hard to hold your head up.  Of course, as of last night, you're already sucking down five ounces at a time - much more than your brother at this age.  Will you surpass him in size someday?  

Last night was also the first night that you not only gave me 3 1/2 hours between feedings, but went right back to sleep afterwards.  What a step forward!  So far, it has been one or the other - either eating every one to two hours, or taking one to two hours to fall back asleep.  Let's keep this up and you and I will get along just fine!

Thanks to the busy holiday season, you've met almost your entire extended family, too!   Your grandmas and grandpas; aunts and cousin; and the extended Latta clan.  In your first 31 days, you've also met Santa Claus, and welcomed a New Year!  I look forward to this time next year, though, because you'll have half a clue what's going on, and Momma will be sleeping somewhat regular hours.  Your Momma, a self-professed Christmas fanatic, is very grateful that Christmas is over so that we can figure out what normal life is now that you're in it.  

I look forward to what each new day brings.  Tomorrow is our first normal-life day - your brother and I will be home with you while Daddy goes to work.  No holidays to prepare for, no family coming in from out of town.  How will we spend our days?  Will you adapt easily to our way of life, or will you alter our very existence?  Will you mind when Momma doesn't answer your every need right away because your big brother has my attention first?  Can I keep Sean from body slamming you because he thinks you want to play already?  Can I keep Sophie from licking your face every five minutes?  Will I ever convince Sean that his old toys are yours now?  

But most importantly, will you ever understand that, even if all this hub-hub, I love you more than I will ever be able to express?  I hope I have a lifetime to show you.  

With all my love,

Momma